Prayer

so on thursday nights i usually have sarah sheldon pray for me. this week was different. i guess i was just really confused. i don't even know how to explain how i was feeling. there was so much going on in my head, so much i was thinking about. i just felt broken, that my relationship with God was no where near where it should or could be. so she prayed for me. she told me that she saw me standing there looking up, trying to see God but instead i'm seeing all of things on my mind. it's like really thick clouds that are blocking me from seeing God. so she prayed for me. then she suggested that i sit down and write a list of things that i felt were blocking my view of God. then after i thought of that, to spend one week on each thing. 

so the first thing i thought of was guys. right now, specifically david labahn. he is on my mind so much, too much. he consumes my thoughts and it's not healthy at all. thinking about him and how much i want to be with him is preventing me from having the relationship with God i am capable of having. so i pray, every day, more than once a day about it. i pray that i would be able to focus of God. i pray that i would be content in the friendship i have with david right now, and not not be worried about going out with him. i can't be consumed by the idea of dating him, especially when i don't even know if he is the one i will be with forever. i have no idea who that will be. so, for now, i am working on being content with the relationship we have. i'm also praying that if i'm not supposed to be with david, that these feelings would go away. i'm just tired of having feelings for guys and nothing ever coming of them. 

i've realized that i desire so much to be noticed. i want david to like me so that i know there is someone out there who loves me besides my family. i just want to know that i am desired. for once, i want to be pursued. i want someone to come to me and tell me they like me, that they want to be with me. 

but for now, i really do just need to be content with the friendships i have and know that God will bring that person to me when the time is right. i can't push things because then something may happen when it's not supposed to, and that will only end in heartache once again.